I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Good morning!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.