Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
What about second breakfast?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.