Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
God has left this place
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.