My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
cry laughing at this shit
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
it’s the silliest best thing
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
it’s a van. how do they not know this
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
These aliens are taking forever.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.