@Sickayduh: CVS clerk: Receipt?
Me: Sure
*God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*
@philyuck: “Here we are.”
I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field.
“No it’s not.”
Oh this place is good.
@notacroc: [getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
@geekysteven: ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back"
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"
@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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