@Sickayduh: CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

@philyuck: “Here we are.” I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. “No it’s not.” Oh this place is good.

@notacroc: [getting my license] Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

@geekysteven: ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"

@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch WIFE: the L is silent, idiot ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch