@iscoff: Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

@DrFFurter: Women say they like tall men and I'm probably 6ft 4" in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!

@brennadine: [High Stakes Poker] Dealer: Are you in or are you out? Schrödinger's Cat: [For the 20th time] BOTH [Player flips table]

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.

@Diversion50: POLICE OFFICER: Your name? MAN: The Rock. POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name? MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.