@50NerdsofGrey: 'Come over,' she begged. 'I need you right now!' 'Just turn it off and on again,' he sighed. He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@jessokfine: When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

@SaveItForFest: Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

@DeanOkay: I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, I'll lose 3 fingers.

@GrantTanaka: having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler