“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time