Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”