I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are