My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
…u ok Nintendo?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen