About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
twitter users today:
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Who chose this font
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”