I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Where is that goddamn asteroid already