i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Self-cleaning conscience
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”