I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.