“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”