“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow