I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Not my job 😂
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?