My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars