i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s