@dumbbeezie: I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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@ArfMeasures: [Bar] SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house? ME: That's ok, thanks, I have my own house [3 days later] ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
@ShaunRightNow: Hooker says $500. I say $50. She walks away. Later, I'm walking with my wife, same hooker sees me and says, I see what you got for $50.
@KimmyMonte: Can't believe no one told me that cows can't walk down stairs. Now I'm stuck with all these attic cows.