I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Why is no one talking about this?!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
He wanted to make sure😂
Remember folks 😂
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.