I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
cause of death:
autopsy.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep