I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
No, he would not have.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it