I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one