@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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@Pro_Jones_: ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything. WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter. ME: I know. *carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
@thatUPSdude: [first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
@HeyZeus666: I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.
@jessokfine: I'm like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.