@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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@ComedicBust: Role playing is fun, but I'm starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.
@NervousJr: Whenever you're feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there's people that pay money to exercise.
@batkaren: I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
@CelebrityChez: My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.