I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.