I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework