Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!