I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”