I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
He wanted to make sure😂
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.