i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Pretty much! 😂👀
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars