I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
hi why am I like this
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.