I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀