I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion