My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.