i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
You Might Also Like
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”