I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa