@realDonaldTrump: I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
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@MoistPork: Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.
@Just_A_Kenyan: 100 Ways to contact me; 1. Call me. 2. Tweet me. 3. Txt me.... 95.Drums and smoke signals 100.Facebook
@notacroc: [date] HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato