me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels