I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay