I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.