I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
mechanics be like
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Never forget.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.