The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*