[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”