i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Room with a view.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?