Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.