I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please