I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Finally a use for spoilers…
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
me and the Superbowl rn
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city