I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go