I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Merica.
Haha good job!!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Discuss
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people