I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation