“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!