If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”