I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
oh you wanna fight?!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.