@TheCiscoKidder: I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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@SamGrittner: "WHAT DO WE WANT?!" "SELF-CONFIDENCE!" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
@ddsmidt: HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them. [chair elevated to highest position] Me: That’s just ridiculous.
@BareChesty: You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says "After 300 yards, stop and let me out"
@Chumpstring: GENIE: u have 3 wishes ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear GENIE: k ME: a blue one GENIE: righto ME: now make Kanye hear out of it GENIE: dude