I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!