Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*